im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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