Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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