my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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