I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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