12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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