Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
