someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
