woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
