so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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