My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
