I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
