...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
