So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
