just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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