if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
