my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
