My first STD was from a foam party
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
A bitchslap is in order.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize