Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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