So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
