It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
