I'm really into asian looking animals
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
