Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
