I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
