Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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