Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
