Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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