And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
