first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
