do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
