I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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