On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
