It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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