Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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