My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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