I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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