im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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