How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
