Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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