If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
