I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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