Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
