She's JV to your varsity
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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