2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My nipple is on Facebook.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
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He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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