Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
