you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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