I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
