Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
