The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
