i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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