Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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