1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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