I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?