Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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