i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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