just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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