i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It was confusing and full of hummus
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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