He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
