I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
