quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
