this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
