FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
